can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Welp...herpes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
