I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he thought i was a dude.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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