Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
