its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
