i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
