I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
