It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
