Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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