she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
