Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i need some magic done to my vagina
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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