Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Found your dick twin last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
