I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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