i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
