someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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