so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
