If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
