She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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