Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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