Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
