Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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