Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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