I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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