If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
