i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
ok first of all what the fuck
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
