Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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