Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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