i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I can't put those talents on a resume
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
