I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
then he tried to convert me to islam
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
