You smell like stripper and shame
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
