his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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