so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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