True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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