i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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