just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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