Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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