Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
