I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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