Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
