She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
