We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
