My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
