Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
