he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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