i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We need to get me chipped asap
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize