i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
