Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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