Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
