just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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