he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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