I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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