I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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