You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
