Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
