no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
