Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
