dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
