I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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