Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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