Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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