She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
