I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
