My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
