My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
