Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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