well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
