My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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