The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
