Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
