fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
