so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
