so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
