Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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