I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
