Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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